good 'ol junior high...

last evening James asked me some sort of question that took me back to junior high. more than a school it was a whole set of seeminly harmless circumstances that together conspired to change my life forever.

it really started the summer between 6th grade and 7th grade. sometime early on in that summer I had my first "homo" experience. my two best friends and I were having a sleepover on my back porch. somehow we all ended up naked and I somehow ended up giving one of them a blowjob. it mustn't have been a very good one because neither one of them ever came around anymore. after being a very popular neighborhood kid I found myself without friends.

the first day of junior high. I was terrified to begin with - all the horror stories you hear about the high school bus on the 45 minute trip to school. I sat as close to the front as possible and as I recall nothing really happened. my "friends" decided to go to the bus stop further down the street so as to avoid me. homeroom. some people I knew from grade school. all shied away from me. word had somehow gotten around.

of course, the kids teased me. my big lips and red hair left me a pretty easy target. while today I could take it in stride and/or fire right back, but that day I was friendless and alone. I went through the whole day battered by taunts. I didn't let on that they were getting to me, but it's probably my worst day ever - even now. when I got home from school I went to the living room and started watching television. it wasn't long before I was sobbing. I cried for 4 or 5 hours straight. I couldn't imagine going back there.

the next days and weeks it continued and as it continued I kept building the wall. the wall was an emotional barrier that cut me off from the rest of the kids. I shut down. I didn't trust anyone. even the people who were nice to me were suspect. were they really being nice or were they trying to find a crack in the wall so they could get in and hurt me?

I spent the next 7 years interacting with people my age only when I absolutely had to. I had no real friends. occassionally I'd hang out with other misfits. people started to think I was a brainiac or something because of my hermit-like behavior. I developed really nasty stomach cramps that crippled me when I would ride in a car. I had two bully incidents, both before 9th grade. in both cases I found the courage to stand up to them - face to face. it worked both times...never had a problem with them again.

in college I started to get better. I started to trust my peers again. I was 100% more outgoing in college than I was in high school. and today I'm about a 1000 times more outgoing than high school. but, still to this day I'm a pretty shy person. strangers still make me nervous. I'm afraid to interact - what if they ridicule me? what if they think I'm strange?